Between Rock and a Hard Place
Sometimes you have one of those years where everything seems to change. 1997 was one such year for me.
The spark of Dawnraiser had come to an end. Things were changing in my personal life and work life and there was a sense that I needed to find myself. It was to become a crazy year as I both found myself and lost myself in equal measures.
It was early springtime and some friends of mine were putting together a compilation CD of local bands entitled Innervisions. I had been invited to submit something for it. I’d put together some bits and bats at home and one of the strongest songs at the time was called Forbidden Passions, about a very brief, confusing and intense romantic encounter I’d experienced.
The sound was a radical departure from everything I’d done before as I was beginning to explore my more gothic rock influences. At the time of writing, it’s actually the only solo piece I’ve ever completed and released. It was written and recorded quite quickly and, although multitracked, most of it was done in one take.
I remember being very proud of it at the time. It felt like something new and, in many ways, it paved the way for what came afterwards with Purity Cries. It was also briefly resurrected many years later, when the seeds of Dawn of Elysium were sown.
The CD was a brilliant project, funded by my mate Jonny Mountain with the recording done by Gavin Riach. It was really well curated and I for one am still very grateful for the opportunity.
However, looking back on my track now conjures up mixed emotions, mainly because of what happened around it afterwards.
Shortly after the recording, I embarked on what became the most traumatic and tumultuous personal relationship of my life. The person I was with was extremely jealous and complained bitterly at even the mention of the song, to the point where I was regularly given a hard time about it. This was but one example of the behaviour I was subjected to throughout 1997/8. I can’t stress enough how much of a nightmare it was.
Then, after joining Purity Cries, the fact that I had a solo song of my own to be published seemed to be a source of contention. There was a palpable unease around it and, eventually, even mockery about the way some of the lyrics were delivered. Perhaps it was born of insecurity or jealousy. I don’t really know. It would not be the last time something I did outside the band was met with derision.
I mean, to be fair, putting the words “our” and “souls” together was something of a schoolboy error. Once somebody had pointed out what it sounded like, I could hardly unhear it and of course I saw the funny side. But you know when a joke has gone beyond being a joke.
What had originally been something I was proud of gradually became sullied. Something that should have represented a moment of creative freedom instead became something I felt I had to leave behind. To add insult to injury, even my name and the song title on the rear CD cover ended up being spelt incorrectly!
Whether anybody intended to make me want to leave it all behind or not, I don’t know, but that was the effect.
Forbidden passions indeed.
